Avoid Giving Your Child a Toxic Environment: Remember Their Ears Are Precious

It is normally my practice to ensure that children, even infants, are not present during my meetings with clients if their matter relates to a family law matter such as custody, guardianship, access interests, or financial matters.

Even infants, in my view, can pick up the energy and experience of their parents in a meeting.  Infants can understand what is going on way more than we give them credit for.  It is for this reason, that I ensure that children are not present during office meetings between lawyers and parents.

It is also my practice to remind parents of the importance of ensuring that they do not discus the conflict in front of their kids or around their kids.

On this one particular occasion, my client brought her 4-year old daughter to the meeting stating that she was unable to find child care for our meeting.  I indicated to my client my usual practice of not having the child present, but decided to make an exception in order to allow the meeting to proceed.  We brought out some crayons, and paper and the little girl played with those and played with her infant brother who was on the floor of my office on a blanket playing with various toys.

I decided that we would not be discussing anything relating to the facts associated with my client’s case as it related to this little girl and her father’s request to see her and  to build a relationship with her.  My client did not want the father to see the little girl.  She at first cited it was because he was violent in their short-term relationship.  Then she stated it was because he had not shown an interest in his daughter.  She later said she did not want him to see her because he had alcohol and drug problems.  Her latest reason was that he traveled for his work and that any access he had could not be consistent.  I will not get into it here, but let’s just say that there was very good evidence in the end to show that none of these allegations were not even close to being true.  I did not, however, know that at the time.

I did know that the mother, my client, had not been letting the father see their daughter for a number of months.  My client had moved on to marry a different person who the little girl referred to as her Dad.

This little girl was truly intelligent, and amazing.  She was inquisitive and excited about her world.   While in my office, the little girl busily got to work, playing with her little brother, chatted away happily, and drew pictures with the colourful felts I gave her to draw with.  I was impressed by who this little person was.  Clearly, she was smart and a really great kid.  Clearly, she was a joy of a person.

Then the first really disturbing thing happened.

It happened when I said to my client, “You have a very smart little girl.”  My client said, “Yeah, too smart.”  She said this with consternation in her voice and clearly with a tone of disapproval.  Seriously.

What kind of home culture is this little girl being raised in?  Is she to apologize for her intelligence?  Is she to dumb herself down in the interest of pleasing the adults around her? Clearly this client of mine thought it was okay to describe her little girl as “too smart.” 

Then the second really disturbing thing happened.  The little girl, who had not seen her father in many months looked up from the picture she was colouring and stated “My Daddy wants to take me away from my Mommy and not give me back.”  This was an allegation made by the mother, but once again, the father’s actions did nothing to demonstrate any such thing.

Clearly discussions had occurred around this child.  I ended the meeting and set a new one.

Next time I saw my client (this time without her child present) I asked her about what the little girl said.  My client, although denied talking about the matter to the child, acknowledged that she had spoken about it near the child and in her presence.  She did acknowledge this.

I had spoken to my client numerous times regarding the damage that talking about the other parent in a negative way can do to a child.  It steals their childhood, in my view.  It damages and pollutes their thoughts.  It causes them unnecessary worry.

This mother could not get how her comments affected her little girl.  She could not see how it was important to put her daughter’s needs and well-being first.  I ultimately stated that I would not continue acting for this particular client given the fact that she would not follow my advice about not bringing this child into the conflict.  I believe there went on to be a custody trial and I think everyone will have lost, particularly this little girl, whose mother could not understand the impact of her toxic comments.

Author: Val Hemminger - Val is the owner of The Hemminger Law Group. As a lawyer and mediator, Val and her team provide services related to Family Law as well as ICBC Claims/Other Injury Matters. To learn more about The Hemminger Law Group, please visi www.lawyersandmediators.ca